The power of apologies and validation: a guide to respectful parenting
When you step back and give it a minute of thought, sometimes it’s hard to be a kid. There is a lot that doesn’t feel fair.
Kids are supposed to do what an adult tells them to do, even if they don’t want to or feel like they can’t.
Kids are expected to respect the boundaries of others but get pressured to hug an auntie they hardly know.
Kids are expected to offer quick apologies but — traditionally — adults aren’t expected to apologize.
In a nutshell, kids are expected to “respect adults” through obedience and compliance. And yet, they aren’t offered full respect going the other way. And no judgment here, we know parenting is hard and you’re just doing your best to get through the next day with a few meltdowns as possible.
Think about the word respect for a moment. “Respect” means that you accept somebody for who they are, even when they’re different from you or you don’t agree with them¹.
At Bearfoot OT, how we respect and collaborate with kids is a BIG DEAL to us. We reject the idea of being the always-right, do-what-I-say “authority” figure with the kids we work with. We’re not seeking compliance. Rather, we see ourselves as active collaborators with parents and kids alike.
Sounds simple right? Far from it!
In daily practice, collaboration and mutual respect toward kids are pretty revolutionary. And we get a lot of comments from parents about how differently we interact and talk to kids at Bearfoot.
Let’s dive into what this all means. 👇
Relearning how adults and kids relate to each other.
Initially, changing how you relate to your child might feel new and awkward. Especially if it’s different from what you experienced as a child.
So it makes sense that it’s something that you need to take time to learn and practice.
For a long time, it was accepted that children simply needed to comply and defer to their parents². The power structure was clear and if kids weren’t doing what they asked, then “they just need more discipline”.
Don’t get us wrong. We’re not saying kids should be able to do whatever they want. There is a place for adult guidance, boundaries, and those “have to do” tasks.
However, ideas are changing as adults learn more effective ways to relate to children that are based on positive modeling, validating experiences, and building equality through repairing mistakes³.
Here are four ways to create two-way respectful relationships with your child:
Let's start with an approach you can take by leading by example.
Model Behaviors Instead of Demanding Them
Ever heard that kids learn more from what you do than what you say?
Well… it’s true!
👍Want your child to do something like speak respectfully?
👉 Then speak respectfully to them and others.
👍Want your child to apologize when they make a mistake?
👉 Then model a good apology when you make a mistake.
👍Want your child to name and address stressors before acting out negatively?
👉Then, model what it means to name and address what makes you dysregulated or grumpy.
We use the power of modeling all the time in our work as pediatric occupational therapy providers.
We model scripts and strategies with kids in sessions. Even narrating our own experiences so they can hear. For example, “I’m starting to feel crabby because my body needs a snack and a break. Let’s sit and eat a snack so my body will feel ready to play again.”
We even modeled a healthy adult-to-kid apology and repair on our Instagram. The goal was to use a real situation to show the impact of an apology, validation, and offering a plan going forward. Check it out here.
Apologize and Repair after Mistakes
Let’s be honest here for a minute. Everyone makes mistakes.
Parents sometimes yell, run late, or fail to recognize a need. Kids break things, say hurtful words, and forget the rules.
And even a trained and thoughtful occupational therapist can misread a situation, be distracted, or forget a boundary a kid has previously stated.
Making mistakes is part of being human. Let’s stop pretending adults need to have it together. Instead, let’s shift the goal to creating two-way, respectful communication that includes adults apologizing to kids.
The truth is all relationships grow when boundaries are respected and mistakes are repaired.
To get started, intentionally move beyond the flimsy, empty ways to apologize that don’t mean anything.
You don’t want your kids to give these empty apologies so it’s time to dig into how to make a heartfelt apology that’s offered to repair wrongdoing and build connection.
The hallmark of a “good” sincere apology includes 2 main elements: admission of wrongdoing and expressing real remorse⁵.
So if we force our kids to say sorry before they’re ready or can achieve both of the previous elements, it ends up being superficial.
Let’s break that idea down a little further into practical terms.
Name what you did wrong in the situation
This is the action that you are apologizing for. It’s helpful if you can touch on how that impacted your child.
For example:
“I tickled you when you wanted to be left alone. That didn’t feel good in your body.”
Or…
“I promised to make you chicken nuggets for dinner and I forgot. So it’s understandable that you feel mad and disappointed.”
Be clear that you’re apologizing
Simplicity is the name of the game here. Think about how to be as clear and direct as possible.
This can look like “I made a mistake and I’m sorry.”
Talk about making the future better
Here’s a cool part of a strong apology. You get to problem-solve for the next time a similar issue comes up. Remember, you and your child are always learning and will never get things completely right. So don’t make promises you can’t keep in the midst or repair.
❌So don’t say, “I won’t yell at you ever again.”
❌Or, “I promise to never pick you up late again.”
Instead, offer steps that you can follow through on.
Core Script | Example |
Next time, I’ll… | Next time I’m running late, I’ll call the school so you don’t get so scared. |
Or empower the child.
Core Script | Examples |
When this happens, you may… | When you don’t want to be tickled, you should tell me to stop. or When I’m not listening, you may squeeze my hand to get my attention. |
Keep in mind, both you and your child need to be regulated, calm, and ready to have a conversation before you dive into a full apology and repair.
Validate their experience or feelings
Kids don’t have a full perspective. So your child will look to you as the adult to connect the dots for them.
So when an apology or repair is overlooked between a parent and a child, some children will jump to self-blame when they aren’t really at fault⁵.
This can erode trust between parent and child or cause the child to question their own perceptions and feelings.
The opposite begins to happen when you as the adult take steps to own your mistakes and offer validation for your child’s experience. This communicates to your child that they are worthy. That the feelings in their body can be trusted and respected.
Core scripting | Examples |
“It makes sense that you feel…” | “It makes sense that you felt uncomfortable. “ Or “It makes sense that you felt scared when I raised my voice.” |
Respect boundaries and preferences
As an adult, you have needs around sleep, noise level, or preferred form of touch. And you likely are in a better mood or have a better day when those are respected.
This is another area where respect goes both ways. Even if they are different (or seem strange to you), your child has boundaries and preferences too. For example, you might not understand why they hate a certain pair of socks. Or why they don’t want a hug right now.
Ultimately, one of the most effective ways to support your child with a strong personality or sensory difference is to help them claim their boundaries and preferences.
That’s because the ability to self-identify boundaries and then maintain them is a powerful tool for healthy relationships.
And when they have boundaries, as an imperfect parent or adult, there WILL be times that you mess up. Plan on this happening now and equip your child with words to navigate the situation to restore respectful boundaries.
Follow that up by confirming that you’ll work towards respecting those boundaries in the future.
Core script | Examples |
You are allowed to tell me X, and I’ll listen. | You’re allowed to say, “that doesn’t feel good to my body” and I’ll listen. or You’re allowed to leave without hugging grandma and I’ll support you. Is there another way you’d like to say goodbye to her? |
Respect and Validation = Kids Who Thrive
Swapping out compliance for more mutual respect between you and your child is going to take some practice. It’s ok if it takes time for you to get comfortable and for your child to pick up on the modeling that you’re providing. And in the end, it’s so worth it.
Imagine a family where feelings of shame and hiding mistakes are exchanged for connection and helping each other honor boundaries and invitations to repair.
With the motivated families we work with, we’re rewriting the script around what it means to respect kids. From tapping into their preferences to communicating boundaries, and modeling empathetic skills like apologies.
That’s our secret to a calmer, more regulated, and empathetic kid who is better able to communicate their needs.
Bearfoot OT is a Bay Area outdoor pediatric occupational therapy practice offering dynamic outdoor sessions and high-touch parent support.
Sign up for a call here to get more information on our services.
References
All about respect. Kids Helpline 2023
Sevón, E. M. (2015). WHO’S GOT THE POWER? YOUNG CHILDREN’S POWER AND AGENCY IN THE CHILD-PARENT RELATIONSHIP. International Journal of Child, Youth and Family Studies, 6(4-1), 622-645. https://doi.org/10.18357/ijcyfs.641201515049
Ruckstaetter, J., Sells, J., Newmeyer, M. D., & Zink, D. (2017). Parental Apologies, Empathy, Shame, Guilt, and Attachment: A Path Analysis. Journal of Counseling & Development, 95(4), 389-400. https://doi.org/10.1002/jcad.12154
Jacobson, R. (2021). Teaching kids about boundaries. https://ssl.fastdir.com/~fastdir/space/saintcletus/T94/childmind.orgTeachingKidsAboutBoundaries1.pdf
Ruckstaetter, J., Sells, J., Newmeyer, M. D., & Zink, D. (2017). Parental Apologies, Empathy, Shame, Guilt, and Attachment: A Path Analysis. Journal of Counseling & Development, 95(4), 389-400. https://doi.org/10.1002/jcad.12154
Repair & Restitution: why it’s Important and how to do it OT Butterfly. Sensory W.I.S.E. Solutions Podcast
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